Charlie Barlie, originally a foster dog, testing the couch.

One Sunday morning around 8:30, my beloved dog, Charlie Barlie, World’s Best Dog in the World, and I encountered a mother and her pre-teen daughter entering their indistinguishable high-rise apartment building. The girl swooned over my dog and showered him with kisses. Charlie Barlie is a real looker, exceptionally sweet and accustomed to admiration, but the girl’s response had a lonely ache to it. One could make the case that I am projecting my own issues, psychically connecting with her, or both. An astrological reading once said that I am a magnet for others’ pain. Lucky me. I sensed a single mother, working too hard for too little money, raising an only child. I’ve worked with many single moms. That young girl has many lonely hours to fill. Given that a dog’s highest calling is companionship, they are ideally suited to fill the void of loneliness.

I extended an open invitation for the girl to come over to spend time with my dog whenever she wanted. Her mom appropriately bristled.  What was I thinking?  Of course, I invited the mom to come too. She unfortunately declined that as well. This mother did not know that I am not only harmless, but that I could and would, be a resource, given the opportunity. These days, it seems, one can’t be too careful. Nevertheless, this child needs resources beyond what her mother can provide. And, the mother needs resources beyond what our culture provides. Surely, the mom spends many anxious moments worrying about her child, trying to get home on time, stretching a dollar and keeping up a brave front.

This vignette has stayed with me over the years because I was a lonely 12-year old in a house full of people. Due to an odd twist of circumstance, in 1962 after several years of seeking a better solution, my father accepted a job in a small town about three hours away and took my two oldest sisters with him. Although I begged to join them, the answer was no. My other sister, brother, and I stayed behind with my mother while she completed her school librarian contract. My stern, critical grandmother lived next door. We lived that school year in a depressed, marginally functional state until we joined my dad and sisters the following June. So depressed was I that it was the only dirty-hair period of my life. My mom was a wonderful person and a good mother but, as the fifth of six children within ten years, my primary emotional connection was to my eldest sister. It was a terrible year, the first of many. Our dog must have been busy comforting all of us that year.

This prompts the question: What is a healthy, grounding household environment for parents and children? Some children of single parents get through it just fine. Barack Obama did. Few are that smart or that strong, however. In David Brooks’ New York Times op-ed piece he writes: Some children are bathed in an atmosphere that promotes human capital development and, increasingly, more are not.  By [age] 5, it is possible to predict, with depressing accuracy, who will complete high school and college and who won’t. (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/29/opinion/29brooks.html)

Patricia McGinn, President of the Illinois Counseling Association, participated in a panel discussion hosted by WBEZ radio’s “848″ program following the Northern Illinois University shootings.  In her closing comment, she recognized in the 1970′s that, as divorce became pervasive, we would reap the consequences and see more violence and mental instability. She further said that the family structure is such a fundamental human need, deterioration of it breeds violence in later years. We face this reality every day: on the bus; walking down the street; seeing old people, children, and people in their prime, begging for spare change.  We have learned to be wary of strangers. Odd, irrational and violent behavior is all too common now.

New Community Vision is promoting cooperative communities of every stripe and color. I believe that addressing the considerable challenges that we face as cooperative communities will lead to durable, creative, even joyful solutions. One promising solution, if it is done correctly, is house sharing. Although living with others can be terrible, it can also be rewarding. I propose that communities gather regularly so that members can get to know each other, and to gain a sense of who might be compatible for any kind of community effort, whether a community garden or a shared house. When people consider sharing living quarters, each party must evaluate the others for compatibility and willingness to step up to the challenge. Even then, caution is in order. Get to know others gradually and in a variety of settings before getting too involved. Get to know their friends as well. If people decide to share a home, training to maximize the likelihood of a harmonious, supportive home for all household members makes for a sturdy foundation. Organization development professionals, please step forward to lead the way to healthy, intentional households at this critical time.

Visit New Community Vision to read more about community gatherings and how they can improve your life.

Tags: single mothers