Proud grandfather and child

Grandparents have been on my mind a lot lately. We lived next door to my maternal grandmother until the early 1960s. She was devoted to my mother, my siblings and I, but critical of my dad. Living next door to a stern, critical mother-in-law is not my recommendation for a happy life. I never connected with her either. Which underscores the obvious point: connecting with other people involves delicate interpersonal chemistry, whether or not they are relatives. In Legion of Grandparents, I talk about two situations in which standby grandparents could have helped young families with ill infants.

One of my dearest friends was a charming, stylish woman that I met at work when I was 25 and she was 67.  We remained friends until she was in her 90′s. At that time in our lives, I needed a mother stand-in, and she needed a daughter stand-in. Our friendship was functional, satisfying and got both of us through some dark years. She taught me a lot.

She moved into a nursing home and volunteered to tutor disadvantaged children from the neighborhood. The “very cute” 5-year old boy who was assigned to her wanted to sit close, cuddle and bask in her attention. Our culture has gone so awry that many children are touch deprived at home. We are so wary of child abuse that even affectionate contact with a child is impossible. So, if the child is not getting affection and attention at home, he will not likely receive it elsewhere in his world. Do we need to wonder why so many people become weird? Many are likely missing socialization experiences that are fundamental to healthy development.

A friend is wary of going out in her neighborhood because she feels intimidated by the “young toughs” who, she says, become tough in the third and fourth grade. She hopes that an online community to share resources can fill that need. This is how far we have strayed. I encouraged her to go out anyway and assured her that the families in her disadvantaged neighborhood want the same thing she does: a safe environment, connection with others and opportunity. If third and fourth graders are tough, that neighborhood is most in need of cooperative communities for casual day-to-day friendliness and for emergencies.The only way to become a supportive community is to gather regularly, to get to know your neighbors, to turn to each other in small ways so that when you need someone in a big way, that relationship is in place.

Tags: children, communities, grandparents